The Golden Compass

There is a well known formula that has been created and now Hollywood is using it every chance it gets to fill theater seats. I don't blame the West Coast machine. They have not been able to come out with hits like they use to. There hasn't been an E.T. or Forrest Gumptype of film for some time.

Any good movies coming out these days reek of remakes. The remakes of the remakes come out even faster. How many Supermans, Batmans, or Incredible Hulks will we stand for before we, as Americans cry out, "The original was fine! Leave it alone...at least for 10 years!"

Technology is pushing this drive. It seems like the studios are creating films specifically marketed toward people that have big screen televisions and surround sound. It doesn't matter if the movie is any good, as long as these idiots can be the first to own the DVD on Blu-Ray or high-def.

Even people that don't earn a decent wage have huge t.v.'s with elaborate equipment. There is almost a pressure among young men these days to have a plasma or some kind of 57 inch television in every room of the house, even if they can't make rent payments.


Walk into any Best Buy or Circuit City and you will see a football field sized retail setting complete with multiple mock living rooms devoted to what you could have in your own house as long as you are willing to spend the money. Best Buy and Circuit City probably train their staff on how to successfully swindle a mortgage payment out of some foolish putz that believes he can only enjoy a film on a 60 inch monstrosity with speakers as long as a sofa.

What kills me the most is that I will probably never be able to afford one of these systems and I consider myself a true film connoisseur. Even funnier are the douche bags who do get them and can't wait to watch crap movies like American Pie 5 or The Mummy 8. Throw a couple of buzz words like "Director's Cut," or "Unrated Edition" on the film packaging and you can easily rope in a sucker glad to pay $45 for a crap film loaded with extras that he will never watch.

It would kill these losers to buy an epic like Ben-Hur or The Bridge Over the River Kwai - or any kind of film created before every stunt and special effect was done with CGI technology.

In all truthfulness, I understand it a little bit. Some people would rather stay home for a movie than pay 10 bucks and sit in a theater where the floors will be sticky, someones annoying cell phone ringer is sure to go off, and where there will be more than a few inconsiderate people talking throughout the feature.

People are realizing that for 15 -30 bucks, they can buy the movie as soon as it comes out and enjoy it forever, or at least until they get tired of it and sell it on Ebay. It's a wise solution for people who are tired of schlepping to the theater only to find out the show has been sold out or that parking will run them thirty dollars.

One such movie that you will probably see in abundance on Ebay in the coming months is The Golden Compass. It will be on Ebay because smart people who skipped it while it was in theaters will be sucked in by the marketing and advertising blitz that is currently going on to promote the lackluster project. It seems like there is a Golden Compass movie poster in every video store or a banner ad for it's release on "Special Edition" DVD on every major Internet site.

If you are wondering what makes it a "Special Edition," I wouldn't know, and I am not about to find out. I am not wasting any more money on this horrid film. But I can only assume they found more meaningless crap to pack into a longer version of the film, complete with interactive navigation menus and a bunch of crap documentaries that chronicled the big budget mess that ensued after it was conceived at a luncheon in North Hollywood.

The Golden Compass is the best example of recycled dreck that I have ever seen. I made the dumb-ass mistake of going to see it in theaters because I did not know much about it and because the cast looked fairly impressive. Probably the real reason I sat through it was that the film I wanted to see had sold out and it was the only thing showing around that time slot.

I can honestly tell you that each actor that signed on to the project sold out big time. They all went for the money, and I am sure there was alot of it, because anybody that read the script must have known from the beginning that this was going to be a waste of celluloid, and the only thing that might confuse or fool people would be big-name actors.

Nicole Kidman (The Others, Billy Bathgate, To Die For), Sam Elliott (Rush, Thank you for Smoking, The Big Lebowski), Daniel Craig (Road to Perdition, Layer Cake, Munich), Eva Green (Casino Royale, Kingdom of Heaven) along with the voices of Kathy Bates (Misery, Primary Colors, Fried Green Tomatoes) and Ian McKellen (X-Men, Apt Pupil, Richard III) all went for a big pay day by associating their respected names with this poor excuse for entertainment.

I guess they all want to be associated with children's movies that have franchise potential. They are getting older now, and most have kids so I guess they feel a need to be the "cool parents."

I could go into the story but in a word, it's lame, and would be a waste of time. They stole from The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Jumanji, The Time Machine, and The Chronicles of Narnia, among others. Any movie that came out in the past 10 years that had even a hint of fantasy or was able to wow audiences with special effects and mysticism was stolen and reformulated to work in this suck story.

The main role of the little girl is played by an obnoxious red-headed brat who is neither cute, enjoyable, nor a good child actress. She gets her hands on the Golden Compass which a cheap looking, vending machine device which can supposedly tell the future. It's her job to protect it and use it for good. Instead, she bitches and moans about the responsibility associated with it. It is all very similar to a certain Hobit's speech about carrying another golden object.



Not to be outdone, she is teamed-up an even more annoying sidekick who is the biggest Tiny Tim/Oliver/David Copperfield wannabe ever put on screen. Merry old England must be full of frail, pastey kids, with freckles and crooked teeth. But why on earth they would put them on screen is beyond me.


The bad guys, which are never really that threatening or dangerous, would remind you of the evil priests from The Da Vinci Code. Oh yea, and I forgot the best part; everyone in the cast has an animal as an alter-ego that follows them wherever they go, and that acts as kind of a conscious or beast-like representation of that person.

The concept is silly and the animals are even more annoying than the people. About the only redeeming quality of the film is the polar bear fight. It's exciting for about a minute and then ends with a cheesy line.


Nicole Kidman plays a villain which works because she looks ravishing. She has not looked this attractive since she appeared in Batman Forever. She also gives that red-haired monster mentioned above a tough time, which is enjoyable.

Daniel Craig, fresh off playing the new bad-ass James Bond shows up for about three seconds of the movie. He plays a giant wimp who is in serious trouble by the end of the film. Again, don't care in the least if he dies.


Eva Green plays some kind of flying harpie and it's tough to see her in a children's film after we saw every inch of her naked in The Dreamers. She kicks some but on some snow clad village reminiscent of the island of lost toys and then flies off.


This long-ass movie does look expensive. The sell-out actors named above demand high salaries, and the special effects are pretty impressive, but they do nothing to engage the viewer or get the audience to care about the characters.

Every special effect, background setting and trace of fairy dust was added by some computer nerd, and it makes the entire concept that much more unbelievable.

The ending was left open and I am sure they will try and make more installments. I only hope that the film did so poorly at the box office and with home video sales that all the major studios bury any attempts to keep the storyline going.

Avoid this one like the plague. If you are at someones house, bored out of your mind, don't pop this one in the DVD player or buy it On-Demand. It's swill, best suited for the toilet than a video screen.

Two out of Five Stars.